A requiem for unwanted songs

I was about leaving my early times, and submerge into reviving wide-spread fields of my memories of past poetic (or maybe quasi poetic) creation during university studies in Poland. But I can't leave without saying a last good-bye, to those unwanted songs, crippled songs, ugly songs, inept songs, which were not much appreciated by the members of my band, most haven't ever been recorded, and majority didn't even have music composed (which I, at that time, noted as simple bars on six-lines tabulature). Unwanted why? Some where my personal favorites... But this is the life of a song... It is for people, not for it's composer. Here are some of the very losers, but does the good mother love less an inferior child?

First of all, the song which was about to be recorded at the band's unique studio session, but have lost at tip of the nose with the earlier "Edge of the needle" (and because of its musical flatness):

DOLL ON THE CHAIN

living half of life
cheap days, cheap nights
it's hard to be a man
being a doll on the chain

have some friends
for the rainy days
but i have no freedom
i'm a doll on the chain

you have the sin
of being born
you can't taste sweet, only sour
you're a doll on the chain

he won't ever see
the face of God
dull live dull death
of a doll on the chain

even have no wish
to find a key
prefer be nothing
be a doll on the chain

07-20-1994

This one below I consider very beautiful. Don't know why we haven't ever rehearsed it. Guess it wasn't to grungy... Or maybe december and cold weren't a perfect match for a song of a Venezuelan band.

CANDLE LIGHT

december noon
the cold is cutting through my body
fire went out
alone in empty, empty house

ch. who's gonna light the candle?
who's gonna close my eyes?
who's gonna cover my wasted body?
who's gonna break the ice?

i felt it
her shadow on the avenue
it fed my hope
a fresh felling, but I don't know what to do

ch.could you light the candle?
could you close my eyes?
could you cover my wasted body?
could you brake the ice?

december noon
the cold is cutting through my body
fire went out
still alone in empty house

06-03-1994

Well this song is very simple in meaning, but while reading it again, I feel something of a compassion for the sensitive youth. And you know what? I work now in a building wich was named for that planet. A coinsidence, or maybe - fate?

STARS OVER SATURN

in my dreams i see the sky over Saturn
it is black and full of moons and shiny stars
with my wings i can fly as high as no one
and get back to quite world of fantasy

in my dreams i used to see the planet Earth
she is black with her lust and self-destruction
with my wings i wish to fly as far as i can
and get back when the fate will be white and clean

04-10-1994

And this last one, hard core stuff. I wonder what will crime analyst say about it, but I swear that the inspiration for the song came 100% a posteriori.

INSTINCTS (MURDERER'S MIND)

step by step i get closer to you
my thoughts my dreams are dominated by you

it seems we're both marked with the same sign
it's our destiny, i can read it in your mind

!i need your blood!

that night i saw deep in your eyes a request
you don't know it, but you asked me for this

it won't be easy, but i'm prepared
in spite of sweetnes, i guess i'm scared

!i need your blood!

i step always behind you, you should feel my breath
i'm the deepest shadow, don't show me your back
i'm dreaming with your heart, beating in my hand
i'm your hidden fears, i'm your aching death

it won't be easy, but i'm prepared
in spite of sweetness, i guess i'm scared

!i need your blood!

10-10-1994

And there were more but, to say the truth, some seem strange to me even today... Maybe I just need more time to understand myself better, but I have to deny that this digging in my past artistic trials, brings a lot of light on my zerking youth. Thanks, will continue soon...

RG

Reviving memories

Hi Guys. When CSOMETIMES send to me an invitation to contribute to her blog, I thought that it was a cool idea. Now, I feel really excited. I considered translating some of my old poems written in Polish into English but, when revising my old papers, I found this, covered with a carpet of 10 years old dust. My old songs I've been writing during my college times in the capital of Venezuela, Caracas, for my band "Desnudez Publica". And guess what? What a coincidence, most of them are written in English (most Venezuelans don't speek Polish either). Here are some of my favorites, and I'm sorry that you can't listen to them, but the band was really teririble (althought I still like it's kinda grungy style):

This very first one, which was like a stone, which released the avalanche, was ment as a parody of Nirvana style, which I detested, as a Pearl Jam's newly ignited fan:

I DON'T LIKE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE

i don't like myself and i want to die
i don't like myself so i want to suicide

ch. so you kill me X 4

i'm totally useless, and i don't like to work
i need a woman, but i look like jerk

ch.

tommorow i won't exist
you'll see me in my bath, with a razor in my fist
so shake my hand and say good-bye 'cause
i don't like myself and i want to die

04-1994

This other one was my definite favourite, because I have had to improvise on the guitar while singing, Jimi Hendrix style:

BUTTERFLY

that place so far away
can't even use imagination
i should have known it, but i forgot
forgot the child-dream with butterflies

ch. above my head, before my eyes
the butterflies of the garden of Eden

shallow recollections, like
frail wings of butterfly
can't see, can't feel, can't touch it
i've lost the child-dream with butterflies

20-06-1994

The below song, like I've realized many years after writing it, raises that same question as Weiland's (STP) "Where Do the Rivers Go". I can only add, that now I know where they go ;) .

RIVERS

she said, she saw the water, running to the source
she felt the lust, burning like the fire
she've heard me, screaming, through the fields of mud, and

ch. she thought it was the end, but it was the day, she was born again

she stood on the bank of a big red river
she swore, she've tasted it, and it've tasted sweet
she kneeled, and started asking God, 'cause

ch.she thought it was the end, but it was the day, she was born again

rivers X 4

i'd like to send my picture throug the river, for him to touch the fate
i'd like to swim together with the river, to discover
where do the rivers go

she said she saw the river, falling into the see, and

ch. she thought it was the end, but it was the day, she was born again

rivers X 4

23-08-1994

And the last but not least, my another favourite. Inspired by my Sugartooth's record, the song have had a hard core extra doom grungy musical wrapper, which I was extremely proud of :)) .

EDGE OF THE NEEDLE

misty sight
i don't wanna know, if the snow is white
i don't gonna go anywhere, world is wild
i'm just livin' on the edge of the needle

on the edge of the needle X 4

i can't see the light
why haven't it lit in the dark of night
when i couldn't see, how the God was like
i'm just livin' on the edge of the needle, the edge!

on the edge of the needle X 4

the edge of the needle now my life is suspended
the edge of the needle now i must surrender

ch. and the edge of the needle enters slowly into me
penetraiting my blood
and goes deeper and deeper to get to the bottom
release her deadly charge

now i have to fight
you can't even breathe, if don't have the might
screaming bullet is your only right
i'm just living on the edge of the needle, the edge!

on the edge of the needle x 4

the edge of the needle now my life is suspended
the edge of the needle now i must surrender

ch.

i just release the drug, to fly away, to touch the sky, to speak with God

i release the drug X 4

ch.

17-11-1994

All above where recorded by "Desnudez Publica" in Estudio Morrocoy, CCS, at 20-01-1995

Cheers,
Raphael G.